It’s been another rough week. When my stomach and back issues both flare at the same time, I have a lot of trouble dealing, which in turn flares my depression. This was the first time I’ve had serious suicidal thoughts in about six weeks. Today is a bit better of a day. I took some pain pills for my back even though they exacerbate the stomach issues. I’ll probably go back on a bland diet again for a few days and see if that helps things calm down.
Sometimes when I get suicidal, my husband gets very upset, which is completely understandable. This time, he’s trying nonattachment. What if I can’t overcome my physical issues and they become too much to bear? Is it worth living if life is constant pain? He knows it is my decision to make that call. I think I still have years left in me. There is some hope for the stomach issues to get better. Maybe my favorite foods and beverages will be back on the menu someday. The back pain is likely to get worse as I age, but who knows what new treatment breakthrough might be out there. Maybe the opioid crisis has created a much greater sense of urgency to find alternative treatments or make the current choices more effective. Maybe I’ll get to download my consciousness into a robot, lol.
I had a few really good days about a week ago. In a way those are a blessing, but also a curse. Really good days make the really bad days feel worse. Without good days, though, life would fade. It is a paradoxical conundrum. So just for today, I am living, dealing, trying to keep my head above water.