Autobio, Pain, Psychology

Pain and Depression and Meds and Hanging On

scratchSo I am entering week three of a major back flare up. This one is unlike any I’ve had before. It makes it near impossible to sit for long periods of time. At one point, I thought I was getting better, as I could sit longer with a heating pad, but it appears to have been a false alarm.

I’ve been to the doctor twice. He is sure it is muscular, yet even with two-plus weeks on muscle relaxers and a round a steroids that killed my stomach later, I’m still in bed much of the time, in pain, having trouble sleeping apart from drugged up on muscle relaxers. Spending so much time horizontal is messing with other parts of my back. I’ve been doing stretches and strengthening exercises, so I have more range of motion, but not a whole lot less pain. And, thanks to steroids, I am back to barely being able to eat. Good times. I remember when physical pain tended to come in one form at a time. If only I’d known what was to come.

Mentally, I’ve been doing really well for about a month now. I’ve even been handling this flare up with more aplomb than usual, although I’m starting to hit the wall. It happened yesterday when I got so bloated after dinner I wasn’t sure if my gut or back hurt worse. I was exhausted from working over the weekend and not sleeping well. I spent two hours meditating at various points yesterday. Still having trouble finding a center and wondering if this will be the time my body breaks to a level I can no longer handle. Suicidal thoughts have crept back in.

fog walk
Photo by Jakub Kriz on Unsplash

I will meditate more this afternoon. Maybe nap, if my body will let me. I made another appointment for acupuncture tomorrow when the clinic reopens. I am writing leaning back on a pile of pillows to see just how vertical I can get for how long.

I will try not to let this be the time I give up. It feels too early still.

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