Random Thoughts, Spirituality

Maybe This Is a Problem. Maybe It Isn’t.

Lately, I’ve been feeling sad a lot. It’s not an overwhelming depression feeling. It’s just grief. A sense of loss. No one has died, but things change a lot. Meditation and mindfulness practices make me more acutely aware of this. My study of Dharma tells me that this grief is a sign of attachment.

It’s not that I shouldn’t be feeling grief. It’s going to arise in me again and again, and maybe more often than in people who have a naturally more optimistic disposition. I don’t know, though. I can’t see into anyone else’s head.

The difficulty is that this grief is feeling overwhelming. I find myself withdrawing, making my life smaller. Maybe this is a problem. Maybe it isn’t.

happy sadI struggle to manage my expectations around relationships the most. There is an idealized notion in my head of what a given relationship should be, and the relationship inevitably is never that. Maybe it is for moments in time, or maybe I just delude myself for moments in time. Maybe I don’t even know what it is I want.

My current task is to question why I think I want a given thing from a given relationship. What are my motivations? How do I show up in this relationship and what does that indicate? Can I catch myself when I make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling and realize that my assumptions aren’t the truth?

There are other queries I have. What level of effort is worth having close relationships? Am I better off keeping my distance or throwing myself into the fire? What do I even mean by close relationship?

I read somewhere that when you stop having questions is when you should worry. I guess I don’t need to worry, as I have plenty of questions.

There is not tidy conclusion for this post. It is open-ended, like the best questions and maybe the best answers too.



5 thoughts on “Maybe This Is a Problem. Maybe It Isn’t.”

    1. I usually meditate 20 to 60 minutes a day, sometimes longer. And if I miss a few days, I can tell. The sadness comes and goes. Generally in meditation it is easier for me to observe with less resistance, but that leaks out into daily living more and more.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. This blog so far has generally focused on the rawer of my emotions because its primary function for me has been a place to process and practice vulnerability. And I am not the most lighthearted person by nature. Maybe it will start to morph into more lighthearted moments, though. That is it’s own type of vulnerability.

      Liked by 1 person

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